Mr. Pinchy is a lobster. But he isn’t just any old crustacean; Mr. Pinchy is special.

His early years were simple enough. He was born in Halifax, Nova Scotia and spent most of his time drinking and pinching, or perhaps pinching and drinking. I met him randomly at the Halifax airport, where he was just loitering around with a bunch of other Haligonian lobsters.

We hit it off and it didn’t take long for me to realize he was no ordinary pincher. I told him he should come back to Toronto with me and try his luck in a bigger pond, so to speak. That’s when things really picked up for Mr. Pinchy.

While he was crashing on my couch, I was worried that I misjudged him because he didn’t seem to do anything except pinch, drink liquor, and sleep. Little did I know that during the day while I was out, he was training intensely in order to create his own unstoppable style of kung fu: Drunken Lobster Fist.

I was happy when Mr. Pinchy met a nice crab, got married, and had babies. It all happened so fast; he didn’t have time to get a home of his own. I just renovated a corner of my apartment and turned it into a crustacean loft for them. That was when Mr. Pinchy settled down and got a job as a Secret Agent.

Part of his new job was Research and Development for surveillance techniques. Mr. Pinchy was perfect for this because he doesn’t blink. Not ever. Then eventually he learned how to bend the space-time continuum and not only teleport, but even to be in two places at the same time. Having accomplished such a feat and sold the license to the government, he took an early retirement.

These days Mr. Pinchy still does a lot of pinching, unpinching, and even some twinching. He doesn’t drink as much as he used to but his Drunken Lobster Fist has reached new heights of kung fu awesomeness. I’m never quite sure what he does when I’m not around, but I suspect he might still do some Secret Agent work on the side… I actually can’t tell you about it though, because then he’d have to kill us both…

In honour of my buddy Mr. Pinchy, I wrote a little song. Then I remixed it into a massive dubstep track.

“I like to pinch, pinch

I like to twinch, twinch

I like to pinch everyday.

I like to pinch, pinch

I like to twinch, twinch

I like to pinch everyway.

I’m Mr. Pinchy,

I’m Mr. Pinchy.

I’m going to pinch until the day that I die.

I like to pinch, pinch

I like to twinch, twinch

I like to pinch everyday.”